A Red Panda. I really don’t see why there has to be a ‘why’. They’re Red Pandas. They have prehensile tails. Come on.

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I just answered this Pandalicious Question; you can eat bamboo too!

…over Online Dating? Good God. People are mean. Okay I have some things to say. I know my words aren’t particularly important, but a friend of mine has been hurt by cruel and thoughtless words of other people, so I feel the need to say something about it.

I think the thing that bothers me most is all these assumptions about when being in a relationship online, there’s no way for it to be exclusive. This is bollocks. Absolute bullshit. When you are in any relationship the biggest and most important part of it is trust. Just because you are dating online doesn’t mean they are going to be leading you on or cheating on you. The same goes for “real-life” – Just because you see the person you are dating in person, doesn’t mean they aren’t going to cheat on you or lead you on. I’ve been cheated on by “RL” boyfriends – but never by an online one. And maybe it’s because I really only tend to date good friends who I have known for a while and who I have come to trust. Who I know what they are like and how they act when things are going wrong.  If I feel I can trust them, then I will. Usually I end up meeting some of the friends they do see every day, which also shows me how much trust the person has in me, these people would know if he or she was cheating on me, so why would they let me meet them? You shouldn’t ever assume that someone is going to be cheating on you jsut because you don’t see each other. If you were married to or dating a soldier and he got shipped off, would you cheat on him/her? Woudl you assume that s/he is going to be cheating on you? It’s s a similar enough concept, one that says  ”if you don’t see them they are going to be getting it from other people”. I don;t liek that people assume such things. (Plus, anyways, lots of people nowadays use webcams to do that sort of thing.  I don’t but whatev.)

…because of this I DIDN’T GET TO GO! T_T I was so upset.. Cos now I wont be able to go again until her husband comes back from Korea.. (He’s in the Army) That was basically my one chance to see her until he gets back.

So that’s kinda upsetting. But whatever – I’m still gonna be going to Texas the week of the 4th of July, to visit some friends and stuff. Family too. I’m worried about that – my roommate’s coming with me. And some of my family members are racist. I don’t know how it is gonna turn out. However, I plan to have as much fun as I can, and make sure Kell has fun too! I absolutely can’t wait to see my friend Crizzy, its been so many years… *sighs*

This makes me think about all my mistakes in the past and how they made me who I am today. Today Crizzy told me that the thing she likes most about me is that I know who I am. And.. I guess she’s right. I don’t know 100%, all the time, but I do know who I am and where I stand, and while I am not always true to myself I try to be.

I spent all of my life not knowing who I was and doing what everyone else wanted, ignoring what I wanted and needed and thinking that no matter what happened to me, if the people I cared about were happy I could be happy too. That got me into such a bad lifestyle, I had friends who used me and abused me and took advantage of me, and I just sat there and took it, thinking “if I can make them happy, it’ll all be okay”.

When I left in september, I was broken. I was awake. I have spent so much time, I can hardly believe it’s been so long already… I spent so much time working at myself, finding the things I knew weren’t real and showing myself who I was. Finding out who Marina was and discarding that shell of a girl named Katie who was a doll and a tool for everyone else to play with and use. She’s gone now. And while sometimes I can still feel that girl inside of me, I know I can overcome her. I know I can become who I am and who I want to be.

It’s been hard, and hell, it still is hard.  It still hurts, sometimes I forget, and especially when I get locked into a melancholic depression – I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be who I know I am, without having to fight who I used to be. But I know that I don’t ever want to go back to who and what I used to be. I don’t want to be a scared, ten year old girl stuck in the body of a 22 year old young woman. I don’t want to be a scarred, bitter person, either. I want to be able to move on from the past.

I digress. When Crizzy told me that, it struck me as the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. It not only almost made me cry from happiness that she thought of me that way, but it also gave me courage to continue on the path that I am on. It showed me that I am indeed doing the right thing – and while I did know that, it’s nice to hear it from someone else, too.

Anyways, yeah.. I don’t know where I was going with this, just rambling, I guess.

Ttyl!
~Marina

I am going to North Carolina! ^_^ I am sooo excited.

I’m going to visit my girlfriend. It’s gonna be really fun, and I can’t wait to spend some time with her.

I know this is short but it’s all I can really think of right now, going to visit Desiree.

~Marina

In My Knee.

Ugh, so, I somehow fucked up my right knee. It’s slightly swollen, and I cant even move it the slightest bit without intense pain.. It’s fucking annoying and painful and ANNOYING. and I wish I knew what I did to screw it up. I don’t think it’ll help but I’m gonna take some aspirin in a bit.

Basically I either sprained it, or my joint problems are acting up again. My right side was always much worse than my left. Ugh. Either way, yeah. just wanted to complain on here.  I don’t feel like pitching a fit and bitching about it to any of the people on messenger, but this is getting excruciating and really stupidly annoying.

Hopefully I will be able to sleep soon.

~Marina

HAPPY TOWEL DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!
For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about go look it up or something.  For everyone else, don’t forget to bring your towel with you!

Oh, also, happy memorial day or whatever. xP

So it’s stormy-ish outside. Days like this put me in a very relaxed mood. 

I’m pretty content especially because one of my best friends and I recently made up. I spent three hours on the phone with him yesterday, and we hashed out a lot of our issues, most of which were simple misunderstandings, and this whole almost ignoring each other thing could have been avoided. However I think the time apart was good for us. We both grew up a little. I also spent an hour on the phone with him this morning (after realizing that we both use AT&T so its free to talk, bwahahahahaha) just talking about nothing, until he passed out (that was my goal, the idiot hasnt been sleeping much lately.)

But yeah. I’m glad, that we’re back to being as close as we were before the whole mess started that ended up with us hardly ever talking, he’s been one of my best friends for 6 years and I’ve known him for 7-8 years, and we’ve been through so much bullshit together that I knew it couldn’t end like this.

Anyways. I’ve been getting a stupid amount of story ideas. It’s rather disconcerting, since I went for so long without being able to even really THINK about writing, and then bam, I have gotten so many this past week.  Hopefully I’ll manage to find some way to be able to concentrate on writing.

Well this’s it for now, Maybe I’ll write something later.

So long, and thanks for all the fish! =P
~Marina

Revamping my site. I’m not sure though. I almost wanna go with a white background and darken up all my pretty colors. But eh, I am not sure yet.

Anyways I just felt like writing in this thing – I think I’m gonna start writing again, Ive been getting tons of ideas for books and short stories and stuff. I probably wont be posting them here unless they are completed and I have posted them on Fictionpress. I am probably too paranoid but one of my friends tried to take something I wrote and show it off as her own when I was in high school.  So now when I write original fiction and stuff I post it there so it is COPYRIGHTED! Bwahahahahahahaha.

*clears throat* hem.. yeah. anyways. Ignore the crazy girl. Oh, wait, thats ME. Hahaha! Yeah I’m hyper. It’s what I get for eating a breakfast of cheetos, french bread, cheese dip, three crab rangoons, and Dr. Pepper. Because Im WAY too lazy to jsut pour myself a bowl of cereal. 

Um… what else? Oh yeah. I really wanna get a tattoo this summer. And some more piercings. I think 6 will do.
Actually, 5 – I have one that is probably still pierced, but I am too lazy to work at putting the earring back in. IT’s a pain. But yeah, I wanna get snakebite piercings (they are in your lips, one on each side, like where a snakes fangs would be on the bottom)  and three more piercings in my left ear, in between the lobe and the cartilage piercings I already have. I only have one piercing in my right ear, because when I get my tattoo it is gonna be on my right side. so I’ll have more piercings in my left side to make up for it. Am I weird? Probably, yeah.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways. I might write in this later today, I might not write until tomorrow. who knows. lol.

~Marina

OHYEAH! I got my certificate and completed my class yesterday! WOOT! Now all I have is that last court date (or whatever, I might be able to get out of that if I go through MCPO) and I am clean and clear!

(if you are confused, read the last entry I posted.)
I had my court date, got into this program for first time offenses that basically says they had probable cause to arrest you, but you aren’t getting charged. I had to pay a fine and I am taking a class on Saturday. I wont have anything on my record but the arrest, however I cant get into trouble for the next two years. (not really a problem, haha)

Not too bad, I was really freaked out for a while there.  I mean REALLY freaked out, lol. So now that this is almost over with (aside from one more court date in august to show them the certificate from going to class for ten freaking hours) I’m more relaxed, and hoping to enjoy the summer as much as I can.

Next weekend for instance, I am going to go visit my girlfriend in North Carolina. *squee* I’m so excited about it. We’ve been planning this for ages and it’s gonna be so nice to spend some time with her, and let Kell and her meet

It’s jsut for the weekend but still. *sighs*

And in july I’m going to Texas for a week to visit family and friends (family for only a very short amount of time) again with kell. I couldnt do that on my own I’d keep having panic attacks. XD there was a reason I stopped talking to them for almost three years.

I notice that when I type fast, the first letter of any word I type after “I” is usually capitalized. That’s rather annoying. Does it happen to anyone else? I hate having to go back and edit those dumb mistakes. -_-

I decided I want a green border today. Iunno why.

Anyways thats all for now. I’m about to wash some dishes so I can make breakfast in a bit

Later gaiz.
~Marina

…I had the privelige of staying in a bloody stinkin jail cell for shoplifting something I had no intention of stealing. (testing strips to test my blood sugar) I can be absentminded sometimes – I had meant to give it to kellen to buy but forgot and walked out with it in my HAND. and the police officer at Walmart was in a bad mood and refused to listen to me or to let me contact kellen. I Was also accused of stealing makeup and such, that I have had for ages (because I dont constantly use my makeup, so it MUST be stolen.. grrrrr) He also apparently lied when he said he would page kellen and give him his car keys and let him know where I was going so that he could drive home. How do I know this? Oh, because I HAVE HIS FUCKING KEYS!

Gods I am pissed, I am sore, tired as fuck, starving, freaked out, I spent all last night ticcing and crying in a dirty jail cell. (which I was put in to help with my Ticcing. It did at first, but peoiple kept staring at me and shit which made it worse) By back is killing me my feet hurt, my ass hurts. I dont even wanna THINK about moving.. I feel dirty and nasty…

And most of all I want my roommate, I wanna get something to eat, go home, shower all this disgusting grime off of me, and sleep. forever if possible. and I keep panicking that kell hates me now.

Nnnnnh.

Life fucking sucks, and I fucking FAIL.

Right now I jsut hope that somehow I manage to get picked up soon. or I will end up passing out in front of the Indianapolis Public Library… maybe in one of those nice shaded columns. *sigh*

I’m writing a book. I’ve never made the attempt before – and certainly never in such a manner, but I can’t help myself. I have to. Some part of me is urging me to write these things down, write things from my perspective, only not really. It isn’t about me, but about a girl named Katrinka. I guess you could say it is about who I was rather than who I am. Not even really that, because it isn’t about me at all. It’s about other things, it is about experiences and situations. growing up and learning how to live. It’s about Katrinka.

I wonder if people will like it. Regardless of how others react though I still will write in my own mediocre way, and take down what I can. When I am done I will print it out and send it to publishers. Hopefully someone will like it and maybe it’ll get published. The only thing I really want though is for it to get read. For others to understand what it’s like for someone who isn’t really all there. Someone who has been this way for as long as she can remember and never really understood why others react the way they do. I think as I progress I might post it on here. For sure I’m going to write parts of it here and see how others like it. If they don’t though it wont stop me from writing it – rather it’ll probably just keep me from continuing to post bits and pieces on here.

I wonder how this will turn out?

~Marina