I’ve actually been posting this regularly on my deviantART…XD Just not on here or my tumblr.

Day 13 – Your favorite LGBT role model/celebrity.
I DO have an answer to this. Most definitely Ellen DeGeneres. She was the first person I ever saw in the public eye that was very out of the closet and had no qualms about it.

Day 14 – Your favorite LGBT song or artist.
That’s another no idea. XD

Day 15 – Your favorite LGBT quote.
>.> “Love knows no gender”?

 Day 12 – Your favourite LGTB movie (or one you’d like to see).
>.> More of this, eh? My previous answer counts and probably will for most questions like this.

Wooooooo house is so much cleaner. Now to finish the kitchen…. I dun wanna, honestly but I need to. At least finish the dishes.

Wooooooh spring cleaning! Yes, that’s why I missed almost an entire WEEK. I actually did write them out, but I had my nets basically turned off, so I couldn’t post them. But my house is mostly clean nows which is AWESOME. Just working on the kitchen on and off  and the dishwasher-which is now working-is doing most of that.

So here goes!

Day 6 – Did you face any problems regarding religion?
Ugh, fuck yes. First off, My parents tried to “cure” me of my “sickness” when they first found out. It scared me so much that I was hiding in the back of an ocean-sized closet, and not caring if I suffocated as long as I never had to come out. But once I got older and accepted/admitted my feelings… it took less than three hours to realise that it should not be an issue, even according to my religion at the time.

Day 7 – How your parents took it or how you think they might take it.
Denial. I’ve never brought home a girl to them, so they are so far in denial it is ridiculous.

Day 8 – What do you think the closet or being closeted means to you?
>.> I have a grammar nazi moment because “what do you think…means to you” is redundant. Any ways, to me, being closeted or “the closet” means running away. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. But it means  that you are hiding and running from either yourself, or people around you.

Day 9 – What do you think about LGBT Pride? Is it helpful or hurtful? Encouraged or unnecessary?
It doesn’t have to be one or the other, does it? To an extent, it’s very helpful, and  even necessary, and  should definitely be encouraged. But too much of it is bad. Too much of it makes people resent what it stands for. We  aren’t “better than” we  are “equal to” and I think a lot of people forget that. Plus I think there needs to be less “LGB” and more “T” pride. I think transgendered/transsexual people are highly under-appreciated, under-represented, and not taken seriously enough. They need more support and pride than the rest of us.

Day 10 – What does marriage mean to you?
Marriage is overrated. People put too damn much value in marriage when it’s so easily revoked. I think that ANY partnership/civil union should have the same rights as marriage, and the fact that it isn’t shows just how foolish and stupid people are. If I ever get married, it will be because many/most/all of the rights allowed to married couples are still not allowed to civil unions.

Day 11 – Your favorite LGBT book (or one you’d like to read).
Honestly, I have no idea. Never really read any or thought about reading them, honestly.

Was sick yesterday. D: posting today though <3

Day 4 – The first person you came out to and that story.
Guh,honestly, I don’t even remember. I guess it would have been my best friend, but it was never a huge thing since she’s bisexual. XD

Day 5 – Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?
Hmmmm..well. Not really. I had enough inner turmoil, problems with self-injury and suicidal thoughts on my own without thinking about my sexuality. By the time I finally accepted that I did like my own gender, I had figured out that it wasn’t a bad thing.

Right, so I decided I will definitely post these as separate entries, but I will put them  all in one entry when I am done with all thirty days. So now, on to day 3 

Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

I knew definitively when I was ten, and it wasn’t really important. I didn’t even know anything about it. I didn’t know what sex was, what homosexuality was, that it was bad or wrong or anything.

However I also feel that I must put how old and what it was like for me when I accepted it again, later on, because that was important to me. I was nineteen, hiding in a closet that was a mile deep, and had been doing so for many years by now. My boyfriend at the time urged me to confront the issues I had with my sexuality, because he was perceptive at times, that one. It was one of the best things he ever did for me. So I did just that, I took an afternoon to myself and dissected every emotion and hint of attraction I had ever had. And found out that not only had I experienced deep, romantic love for females, but also that I was much more attracted to them, and that it was much easier for me to love them that way.

The first thing I felt was fear, because I ‘knew’ (read: wrongly believed because of how I was taught) it was wrong and bad, or I thought I did any ways. Then, somehow, I came to the realisation that, “wait, how could it be wrong to love someone?”. Not talking about carnal lust, not talking about simple desire or attraction. Actual love. Regardless of the type. At that time I was still Christian, and my god was supposed to be a god of Love. And I realised that he would never, ever punish someone for loving someone else. I had never felt such acceptance and peace than I did at that moment. It marked a huge turning point in my life.

Yes I know, technically I posted the last one today, but only by one minute. XD It was meant for yesterday though. So on to day two!

Day 2 – Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?

Hahahahaha… Right, the first time I was aware that I liked girls in a different way from guys, I was eight. Yep, that’s right. Eight. And I had my first girlfriend at ten, although that led to some issues with my sexuality that it took my whole life to get over. (loooong story short, parents told me I was sick and wrong, tried to “cure” me, the incident totally traumatised me for most of my life. It was a factor in me wiping my memory of about five or six years of my life.) So I don’t think I had any that really foreshadowed it. It was too obvious for that. Although yes, I am pansexual, I still am more attracted to femininity, regardless of gender.

Wow. It’s been fuckin ages, ain’t it?

Wellll I decided to try to start blogging again. -nods- Not just blogging either. Writing and posting old poetry and doing random things. One of the reasons I stopped writing is I am avery paranoid person. In an extremely odd way. I’m always very afraid that someone will steal my work, and I wont be able to prove it’s mine. What makes it weird is that I think I’m an absolute crap writer and that my stiff sucks. Yet somehow I’m afraid someone’s gonna steal the shit I produce… XD Any ways yeah. Trying to get over that fear. First off because I still have access to my fictionpress account which has definitive proof of dates and that I own all my old stuff. Second because I’m also using my deviantART account to post them as well. So more proof.

ANYWAYS I’m starting the blogging off with a thirty day challenge thing.

I Found this neat LGBTQ quiz/challenge on tumbler and decided to try it. Hopefully every day I’ll post a question and the answer to it. While trying desperately not to answer them all at once. I might simply update the same entry to keep it organised… Maybe not though, not sure.

Day 1 – Your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition.
Well first off I think it’s abit difficult to be  creative with this. However my gender identity is weird. I’m half girl, half guy. No, not joking. Half of me is a very, very, very gay male, I basically call that half Markus, or Marc for short. He’s been around for my entire life. And then there’s me, Marina, who is a pansexual female. For those of you who don’t know, pansexual means I don’t give a fuck about gender. You can be male, female, both, neither, whatever. Gender is a complete non-issue to me.

To Me in the past: I know you will never get this, because you are in the past, and I am in the now, and I do nto know how to time travel. However I feel a reply would be good.

I am doing pretty damn good. No, I do not have a job – although I have re-applied at places. I am thinking of going to school, to be a Librarian, hehe. Our dream job, ne?

No, actually, I am single now – and very happy still. You were right back then – Shush is wonderful, but I think because of my past I need a big break from that sort of emotional bond, and I see him as a very good friend. I do still love him, but I am trying to make him realize (bit by bit) that we will only ever be friends. It is hard.

We do have a cat by now! Her name is Paint and she is utterly adorable. I think that she is sick, however, so a visit to the vet is in order soon. You were right, we do have a horrid memory, and I was quite shocked, and happy, to read this and realize that my life is still fairly stable, and that I am still happy.

YES my dyslexia still kicks in, thank god for spell check, but it doesn’t always catch things. haha.  I still edit like crazy.

Well taking care of myself went slack a bit – but reading this has made me kick it back in gear. I got a bunch of stuff to help me keep it up, doing something I absolutely love, so that should help.

Thank you for writing this, Me in the past.

=D

(I jsut got this email. I actually forgot about this, how strange, lol.)

Dear Me,
How are you doing, right now, I wonder? I wonder if you are still addicted to music, love, and life. I can tell you right now, this song on here is one of our favorites – I’ve been listening to it on repeat for half an hour now! I wonder if you still like it?

I just thought I would check in on you, since we rarely ever think to make sure we are really doing okay. I know right now, here where I am, things are up in the air and feeling strange, and a bit scary. I’m madly in love – I hope you two are still together now, in the future. Shush is very wonderful. I’m also thinking about going to school, and definitely trying to get a job. Kell says once I have one we can get a kitten or two I hope we have two cute kitties by then. Or maybe cats, I’m not picky, as you well know.

Riiight now! I am eating ice cream. Black raspberry, and dutch chocolate. Two of our faaavorite flavors. I think it gave me a bit of a sugar rush, otherwise why would I write this? I don’t like doing things liek this – it’s scary, because who wants to be reminded of the past if it all falls apart? Normally I would never do this – because I know all too well that things can fall apart at any moment, and nothing should be taken for granted. Because in the future, maybe I am homeless and heartbroken again, or maybe I am not even here. What then? How will this affect me and the people who read it?

I’m not quite sure, but something compels me, something that I cannot put words to, or even really fathom. I have this deepest urge that this is the right thing to do. Of course, it isn’t really all that long that I am sending this – a mere half a year (plus a few extra hours) – but by then I think things should have changed enough to make a difference, no matter how small.

I wonder what you are feeling, reading this right now. I know by then you will have forgotten that I wrote this – we have such a horrible memory.  Are you smiling and reminiscing good times? Are you remembering better times, and crying because you miss them? Are you laughing at what a silly bint I am? Well, I hope it isn’t the second one. I really do. Because that will mean our hopes and dreams have died again, and neither of us really wants that.

There isn’t really much to say here, I think I’m jsut rambling on and on and on. This is also probably a lot different than what other people write when they do things. Maybe. Maybe not? I wouldn’t know. I’ve never done one of these until now! Does your dyslexia still kick in and cause you to mix up letters (especially in those dratted four letter words!)? Do you still always forget to read over things before you press that submit button, like me, and then read over the entry a half-dozen times and edit it until every last mistake that you can catch is gone (or until you finally give up)? I wonder if your grammar and punctuation are still as atrocious as mine is. We may be a whiz at spelling things, dyslexia aside, but I don’t think either of us payed enough attention in English class. Too busy reading books, probably.

I wonder if you still have that black and purple layout. I hope the font isn’t white!!! Because then this will probably be pretty hard to read, what with the light background I usually put on my larger entries. Hehehe.

Anyways, I jsut wanted to see how you are doing, make sure you are okay. I hope you’ve started taking better care of yourself, and kept at it – I know damn well that I plan to!

~Marina

Soooo I have decided to try to write at least one entry on this site a week. Lets see if I can do this, ne? Even if its jsut saying “Hi there. I’m writing an entry! wheee!!!)

On another note: KELLEN!!!!! TAROT IS NOT SUDOKU!! GET IT STRAIGHT!!!!!!! YOU ARE PLAYING SUDOKU!. Goodness gracious. Wtf dude, your brain sure is dead right now.
I jest, I jest.
It’s my fault for talking constantly about how interesting it is though. XD  I am poisoning your brain, bwahahahahahahahaha. HAH YOU DID IT AGAIN! Oh how I have poisoned you.

Anyways this is it for now I guess? lol

TTYL PEOPLES THAT I HEART!

~Mari