May 10, 2011
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Day 3
Right, so I decided I will definitely post these as separate entries, but I will put them all in one entry when I am done with all thirty days. So now, on to day 3
Day 3 – How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?
I knew definitively when I was ten, and it wasn’t really important. I didn’t even know anything about it. I didn’t know what sex was, what homosexuality was, that it was bad or wrong or anything.
However I also feel that I must put how old and what it was like for me when I accepted it again, later on, because that was important to me. I was nineteen, hiding in a closet that was a mile deep, and had been doing so for many years by now. My boyfriend at the time urged me to confront the issues I had with my sexuality, because he was perceptive at times, that one. It was one of the best things he ever did for me. So I did just that, I took an afternoon to myself and dissected every emotion and hint of attraction I had ever had. And found out that not only had I experienced deep, romantic love for females, but also that I was much more attracted to them, and that it was much easier for me to love them that way.
The first thing I felt was fear, because I ‘knew’ (read: wrongly believed because of how I was taught) it was wrong and bad, or I thought I did any ways. Then, somehow, I came to the realisation that, “wait, how could it be wrong to love someone?”. Not talking about carnal lust, not talking about simple desire or attraction. Actual love. Regardless of the type. At that time I was still Christian, and my god was supposed to be a god of Love. And I realised that he would never, ever punish someone for loving someone else. I had never felt such acceptance and peace than I did at that moment. It marked a huge turning point in my life.
