I am in a fucking shitty mood. or rather a series of shitty moods. I hate it when I cycle like this. fuck everything. just... fuck life.

This pisses me off.

"It's over," she said, looking sadly at the person she had been with for three years now. "I can't take this anymore, and you know it. You're killing me."

The man was silent, watching her as she packed her bags, obviously wanting to say something to the person who was walking out of his life. "But.. I love you."  The simple phrase broke her heart, but did not sway her, not in the least. They both knew, even if he refused to admit so, that it was a lie.

"I always said that would be enough, didn't I? I'm sorry, but it isn't. Sometimes love just isn't enough to make things work." She turned to look at him, holding back her tears. Three years, gone now. Three years of her life almost wasted, chasing a dream and a relationship that in the end only caused her pain, heartbreak, distress.. A relationship that almost killed her. The worst part is she knew he wouldn't stop her. Wouldn't even try. He knew, too.  "I can't stay here. I have to leave. It's killing me, I'm dying, going even more insane than I already was. I know you've seen it."

He watched her, this time in silence, his hand trembling as if he wanted to reach out and stop what she was doing, but he made no move as she picked up her things, walking to the door. "I said I would always be here, even if you didn't want me, and I was. But I just can't anymore. I tried for so long. You only want me when I'm gone, and it isn't enough anymore. I'm sorry, I know it's probably my fault, but I just can't take this anymore. It hurts too much. Goodbye."

He stared at the empty doorway, looking lost and confused. "No, it wasn't your fault.. It was mine."

Creativity = Life

For me anyways. <3

~Marina

It's already about halfway through July. Time seems to be rushing by almost imperceptibly, speeding along, and I feel as if it is leaving me behind. Worries, fear, feelings of complete inadequacy making me not even really want to try anymore. Ah, but I shall keep trying even through the midst of this inner turmoil. I must. Even though I don't really want to, haha. I don't know. Things are crazy right now for me, even though they wouldn't seem so to anyone else.  Part of it is that I'm trying to figure things out. Also I feel the need to move on, get things going, but even though I know where to start... I feel so unprepared and unready. I feel like I dont know. Like everything is so wrong.  It's a very disconcerting feeling, especially because I know it isn't right, it can't be right.

Anyways, yeah. Just rambling without any real meaning.

Ttyl,
Mari

What is going to happen now? My whole life is changing in ways I can;t even describe. I visited my family (and my bff Crizzy) for the first time in over three years last week. I'm going to be trying to go to college very soon here. My friend found out that my ex closed down his site, which makes me assume he read the letter, since I don't have sign-in lock on this site. I actually wrote that damn thing and didn't chicken out. I might be writing more here soon. As a way of therapy I guess. I dunno though.

So, yeah.. I wonder how things will turn out? If I'll actually get off my ass and do the things I plan to do? Everything seems to be so up in the air right now....  and I'm not so sure that's a bad thing, in the end. It might be really good for me.

~Mari