June 29, 2009
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A Letter
Ok first off, this is gonna be weird. I’ve never tried anything like this before, I am nervous and freaked and hopeful. Second off, I’ve been planning this for a few days now, and I guess I’ll give a little bit of history behind why I am doing this and why I decided to do this today, of all days.
My ex recently messaged me. I don’t know how he found this site and I know that he knows I want nothing more to do with him, ever. There is a lot of history between us, we dated for three years. For a while it was wonderful, and I Was addicted. by the end of our relationship I would have killed for him, or killed myself if he had asked me to. I am not joking. It was bad. Because of him I got into a horrible situation, and he didn’t do anything to stop and didn’t believe me when I told him his friends were abusing me. They were. He also was neglectful, sometimes verbally abusive, and was using me – I knew this. But I loved him, and until I was away from him, I didn’t realize how fucked up things were. (here’s a little bit of history for anyone who cares. It isn’t much though.)
Anyways, this might be long, as a warning. I am going to write a letter to my ex.. one he will probably never read, and one I don’t really want him to read but I need to get some things out, and I need to stop hiding my emotions. Let’s see where this takes me, shall we?
You know who you are.
No. The answer is No. You told me ages ago that if I never wanted to speak to you again, you understood, I just had to not reply, and you would never bother me again. Bullshit! This is the third message you have sent me in the span of a month, and you bothered to find my fucking Xanga. Just to message me, and tell me the same damn thing. ‘I loved you, and I still love you, and I just wanna talk and I don’t wanna intrude on your life and blah fucking blah’. Gods, why? Why do you do this to me?No, you do not love me. Every time I am away from you you do this, I have lost so many jobs and stable homes because you kept asking me to come back. And in a couple days, you want me gone again. You don’t love me – you are just used to me. You have told me to my face more than once, that you don’t, and I knew for months before you figured it out. You used me. I let you use me. Whatever. But don’t tell me you love me, you just miss what you used to have.
You left me alone for six months. I am finally able to accept the past, finally able to realize that the only way to get over this fear of relationships that you gave me, is to get into one. And I have someone I want to be with. Not only have I known him for years, but he was there. He knows what I went through when I was with you, he helped me get over you, he is one of my best friends and I love him. I love him more than life itself, and I would never sink low enough to kill myself if he told me to. Not that he ever would. He treats me like a person, not an object, he treats me as if I am the most precious thing in the world to him.
You used to do that, for a while. and then I turned into nothing. I keep worrying that I’m gonna fuck things up. It drove me to nightmares, because I guess I still feel like you and I falling apart was my fault. I know it wasn’t. It was yours. You wanted Rachel, and Janna, and Ana. You didn’t want me, I was just a consolation prize. And I knew it. I should have left you then, but I was so addicted. As long as you would still have me, I wouldn’t leave. In the end I only left because of your best friends. Because you were not only never around to protect me from the abuse, but because when you saw it happen you didn’t stop it. Assumed I didn’t care, I guess. Or that I was overreacting, overexaggerating.
But whatever, I’m trying to keep the past in the past, and you’re in the past. You continuously hurt me, and you didn’t care. You expect me to talk to you? No. You’re blocked and for good reason. Oh, also, my friends are exactly that – my friends. You didn’t expect Criz to tell me that bullshit you were spreading that it’s MY fault that you are back in texas and not in college in Florida? That it’s my fault cos I left you with crazy roommates – who were your best fucking friends? Bullshit. You always blamed all your problems on me. You just can’t accept when you mess up. Hell I was just as bad, until I decided everything was my fault. And I wont blame it on you – I’ve always been unstable as you well know, I just drove myself to it.
Anyways, I’m getting better finally. I love someone, and I’m not dependent or addicted. I don’t care that it’s long distance – he’s willing to wait for me, and I am for him, too. It’s nice knowing that I am wanted and loved. Nice that he goes out of his way to spend time with me, in his own sweet way. Do you think I want you back in my life? At all? I’m happy, finally. You would do your damnedest to get me back, I know you. You would not be content with just being friends, and whether or not I trust myself around you, I don’t trust you at all. So yeah, the answer is still no. I do not wanna talk. I do not want to see you or hear from you again.
Goodbye.
~Mari
