June 9, 2009

• So, I’m sick, and

  …because of this I DIDN’T GET TO GO! T_T I was so upset.. Cos now I wont be able to go again until her husband comes back from Korea.. (He’s in the Army) That was basically my one chance to see her until he gets back.

  So that’s kinda upsetting. But whatever – I’m still gonna be going to Texas the week of the 4th of July, to visit some friends and stuff. Family too. I’m worried about that – my roommate’s coming with me. And some of my family members are racist. I don’t know how it is gonna turn out. However, I plan to have as much fun as I can, and make sure Kell has fun too! I absolutely can’t wait to see my friend Crizzy, its been so many years… *sighs*

  This makes me think about all my mistakes in the past and how they made me who I am today. Today Crizzy told me that the thing she likes most about me is that I know who I am. And.. I guess she’s right. I don’t know 100%, all the time, but I do know who I am and where I stand, and while I am not always true to myself I try to be.

  I spent all of my life not knowing who I was and doing what everyone else wanted, ignoring what I wanted and needed and thinking that no matter what happened to me, if the people I cared about were happy I could be happy too. That got me into such a bad lifestyle, I had friends who used me and abused me and took advantage of me, and I just sat there and took it, thinking “if I can make them happy, it’ll all be okay”.

  When I left in september, I was broken. I was awake. I have spent so much time, I can hardly believe it’s been so long already… I spent so much time working at myself, finding the things I knew weren’t real and showing myself who I was. Finding out who Marina was and discarding that shell of a girl named Katie who was a doll and a tool for everyone else to play with and use. She’s gone now. And while sometimes I can still feel that girl inside of me, I know I can overcome her. I know I can become who I am and who I want to be.

  It’s been hard, and hell, it still is hard.  It still hurts, sometimes I forget, and especially when I get locked into a melancholic depression – I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be who I know I am, without having to fight who I used to be. But I know that I don’t ever want to go back to who and what I used to be. I don’t want to be a scared, ten year old girl stuck in the body of a 22 year old young woman. I don’t want to be a scarred, bitter person, either. I want to be able to move on from the past.

  I digress. When Crizzy told me that, it struck me as the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. It not only almost made me cry from happiness that she thought of me that way, but it also gave me courage to continue on the path that I am on. It showed me that I am indeed doing the right thing – and while I did know that, it’s nice to hear it from someone else, too.

  Anyways, yeah.. I don’t know where I was going with this, just rambling, I guess.

  Ttyl!
  ~Marina

  • 11:17 pm
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