Okay so I wrote this about two years ago. It was originally in three parts, as a roleplay on a forum to help me become a better writer. Anyways, I modified it soon after, to become one crazy mass just as an example of one of my writing styles. I decided to see about some criticism - keep in mind that I know there are MANY flaws. With the exception of blending three posts into one thing it wasn't edited at all, and the entire thing was written about two years ago. So here we go.
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The sound of a motor blaring in her ears, and a soft, firm voice asking her if she was okay, were the first memories she had. As of yet her mind was blank, black, the only thing she could see in the cavernous space was a flicker of violet flame, and those words drifting towards the ground. Pale eyelids fluttered, the soft red fringe that lined them moving as if it was another being entirely, then shot open when she smelled ash.
Amethyst orbs gazed around frantically, unblinking in their curiosity, taking everything in with surprisingly fast accuracy. Her vision was distorted slightly, and it was as if she could sense the heat just by looking around her. After a few moments of looking around the dusty, barren landscape it seemed natural; once she got used to having more then one layer of vision. It was her nature. Everything was dark and warm, the only light seemed to come from glowing red streams of molten rock, which only served to illuminate the dusty ground, and not much else. She sat up slowly, shaking some of the ash out of her... what color was her hair? Slender, grimy hands plucked a strand from the curly mass and slid her finger through the ash. Deep, vibrant red. No doubt to the normal person the color would look unnatural but to her it made sense. A slow shrug and she turned around, her body movement reminiscent of a snakes slither as she stood up, quite shakily. Was she supposed to have these... things? Legs, her mind supplied her. They felt wrong, but she didn't seem to have any other choice but to use them.
Lifting her head up, quite uncaring of the fact that her body was almost completely covered in ash - and only ash - she smiled at the man before her. Sparkling, opalescent teeth shone through the rest of the grime, and extended, fang-like canines poked into her dusty lips. It was another moment before she spoke, her voice smooth and low. "I-.. I thhink I am ffine. sssss..." The smattering of freckles that covered her nose wrinkled up in unison with the aforementioned body part. "Everrrythhing about me ssseemssss wrrrong."
The young woman looked down at her toned, curvy body, covered in a layer of grime, and then back up at him. She made her first unconscious move at that moment, sliding her tongue out to taste the air, and staring at the man in front of her. Her slit, vertical pupils widened and narrowed as she took in his appearance. His high body temperature. Much higher than her own.
She spun around slowly, making sure to take as much in as she could, trying to get used to her legs, before she abruptly, purposely, collapsed into a sitting position, staring up at the man and his vehicle, unblinkingly. "Who arre you? Who am I? Wherre issss thissss placssse?"
The young woman listened intently to the man, as he told her his name, where she was (the name of the place was promptly forgotten, lost in the empty darkness of her mind, perhaps burned away by the growing violet flame she saw) and tried to make sense of everything he told her. Dale... It was an interesting name. She gave Dale a once over, deciding she liked what she saw. His clothes were dusty and grayish, and his body seemed to be very well toned. She desperately wished to see what kind of eyes lay beyond the thick, dark goggles that were still strapped to his face.
He asked for her name. Thinking about it, she shrugged, tilting her head, as there was no answer from inside of her mind, although the steadily growing energy flickered for a moment. "I do not know who...what? I am eithher. Umm...." Her voice trailed off as his words triggered some thoughts in her head. This machine that he was standing by looked very useful. No doubt that was what made part of the noise that woke her up, a deep, gravelly purr of sorts, only at the moment it was much quieter than she remembered. She silently wondered, for a moment, if he planned on taking her somewhere on it. Well, probably. Her attention turned inwards at the small violet flame that occupied her otherwise fairly empty mind. It was hissing at her, trying to get her to wake up. 'Wake up?' she wondered silently, 'I'm already very much awake, thank you!' At this she promptly turned her attention back to her only memory, this man who was watching her intently.
Dale said something to her again, and slid his coat onto her shoulders. Curiously, she placed her hands into the sleeves, and pushed them down into the long fabric. It was just a bit longer than her arms. Her hands made short work of that, though, rolling the sleeves up until they were just at her knuckles. She didn't understand what was wrong with her lack of clothing, but apparently it wasn't 'decent', whatever that meant. Her mind was still blank, mostly, she couldn't keep these thoughts in for very long, and was trying, in a roundabout way, to make sense of what Dale had said and was saying to her now.
He asked her where she was from, how she got that accent. She had no idea what he was talking about. Wasn't she from here? as to the other inquiry, she just flat out asked him,"What isss an accsent?" He shrugged, holding out a hand to her and helping her move. She was sitting on the machine now, and they were speeding along the barren land that she had woken up in. The wastes looked quite beautiful through her strange vision, in one moment she saw dark, dusty, flat earth, with glowing patches of heat trailing along; in the next she saw blues and greens and yellows and reds, each indicating how warm the areas were. As she looked at herself she saw a greenish color, slowly changing to orange, and one shift of her eyes to each side saw a vivid red. His arms were on either side of her torso. Her own arms were sitting in between her legs in an altogether too innocent position as she leaned back against him. This man was.... warm, comforting. She liked him.
That having been said, or admitted to, a thought entered her head from that flickering energy inside her head and she gasped, moving one of her hands to her neck and rubbing it. There was something there! She hissed softly, keeping one hand on the seat and one hand on her neck, hoping that they would come to a stop soon, so she could safely examine what was attached to her. Not that she didn't have the balance here, but some instinct told her that this man would not appreciate her moving around much.
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Okay so that's all. It's just a short clip, there was quite a bit more that went on afterwards but it is complicated and I had decided at the time just to keep this one part. (basically the rest relied heavily on my partner's posts, and I refuse to claim them as my own - mixing them with mine would be confusing, anyways)
So.. how do you like it? (or not?) I could definitely use some critique, even though it is old. 
~Mari
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