January 19, 2009

• Driving

  11:30 pm
  So, today was an interesting day. Depression and pessimism have pervaded my thoughts for some time now, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to clear them from my head for a while. I mean, I’m fucking bi-polar, so I know I cant just erase them completely.. but I’ve been manic for a while and the transition is always harsh on me. I hate it. The highs keep me alive and while I know the lows come with them its just… Goah. *sighs* It’s hard.

  Anyways, nephyo, my roommate of awesomeness, and I hung out a LOT today. It started with a trip to Circuit City – which is currently going out of business (still not cheap enough to buy too many things honestly, xD) – and that was a failure.. I mean; seeing all the things we wanted but can’t afford just really put both of us in a worse mood. So instead of going home and being depressed at home, we decided to go out, maybe watch a movie, etc. Take our minds off of it.

  Well we went out to eat, looked at movies but most of the places around here are expensive. The only cheap theaters have a pretty shitty selection.  Neither of us wanted to go home though, so after spending a long time chatting around the table we ate at, we got back in the car and drove. We were driving for about two hours, no real destination, jsut went as far away from home as we could go since he has work tomorrow.

  It was fun. It was nice. Driving around areas we had no clue where anything was gives you lots to talk about. I learned a lot more about him and he learned a lot more about me. Jsut driving, listening to music, and talking. It’s a very relaxing thing. No rush, no sense of needing to be anywhere.  We talked about whatever the hell came to our minds, watched the different cities we came by, watched the snow… and just hung out.

  No one ever tells you how hanging out with someone who is as depressed as you are can actually help. Knowing you aren’t the only one feeling like that. Having enough trust to talk truthfully about things like that. No hiding it because you know they will know its bullshit. You’re on a similar vibe and its comforting, even if a bit disconcerting. It is almost as if part of the reason it is such a comfort is because you’re a little put off. That small bit of discomfort makes it real. It means that you are human and this is happening, and you don’t really wanna stop. You’re okay with it.

  Or maybe I’m the only one who feels that way. I don’t know.

  So we drove around for a long time. Got a long way from home, picked a completely random exit (It was Crawfordville road, and I remember making a joke about wanting it to be named Crawfishville road. I re-named it that in my head. A laugh was had.) and it surprisingly turned out to go to a pretty nice town or whatever. I think it was called Speedway because that was what was on the cop cars. (No duh. xD) We drove. Went to a gas station for a pit-stop and then just explored for a bit before heading back home in a completely different direction. Thank god for GPS or we could have been lost forever.

  Not really actually, there’s a very big road that ran through it and so we kinda knew where to go, just weren’t sure which direction to take. xD

  So anyways, it was nice. Just.. driving. No purpose, no destination, no pressure or urgency. Driving and talking and learning more about a friend. Listening to music and not worrying about a schedule or the time, places you have to be or things you have to do. Not really caring where you are or where you are going or where you have been.

  And it isn’t as if my depression is cured, that I’m miraculously all okay, but it was a really nice break from life. It was a good distraction for those hours. A nice way to waste time without feeling like that is what you are doing, and to take your mind away from the depression without sinking lower into your head.

  I like driving. Well, I don’t like driving, I hate being behind the wheel of a car, but I do like driving like we did tonight. It’s fun.

  ~Mari

  • 2:47 pm
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