January 14, 2009
-
No Regrets…
If there is one thing I can say I have always, consistently done throughout my life, it is to accept and appreciate the experiences I have been through. Regardless of bad or good, painful or pleasurable, simple or complicated. I was very, very young when I promised myself to have no regrets, and amazingly enough, that has been the one constant thing in my life. It didn’t matter what I did, what was done to me, who I hurt or who hurt me. Nothing I have done have I ever regretted. (is that worded right? I cant tell… stupid cough medicine)
Until recently, that is. And, I can’t honestly even say that because I didn’t actually regret anything, but I thought I would. I was worried I could. The past couple weeks have had me thinking about the reason why I stopped writing. The things that happened to me, the hell I went through and all the pain imbued in those memories and I wanted to forget… I was starting to regret things because even in the better times it was always bad.
That probably sounds pretty ambiguous. Hmm. Okay, let me lay it out for you. Basically, last year – in about late august, early september – I had a traumatic experience that changed me. It tore my heart out, slashed at my soul, invaded my privacy and in the end almost kept me from ever writing again. (If you want to know what I am talking about, click here.)
That incident has been on my mind increasingly as of late, and has kept me from writing yet again. I kept wondering why it ever happened, why I had to go through that shit, why me?
Before I go any farther, I need to say thank you to two people. The first one is TheBigShowAtUD, who listened to me rant and talked it out with me. He helped me come to a conclusion that I needed to come to and he’s the reason I’m writing this right now. (even though I am writing it for me.
) The second person is Legendairy, who also listened to me and offered support. Okay, accolades are done for now lets get back to the subject.
After much thinking, and much talking, and many very sly pushes in the right direction, I realized why. I said it when I wrote about it, and I literally facepalmed upon realization of the reason I had not to regret what happened. My reason is this: if that had never happened, If I had not gone through that one particular, horrible experience.. I would still be trapped. I would be living with people who abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I would still be forced to steal every day just to eat. I would be locked in my own house unless given permission and I would be an obedient little slave. Just like I was back then. Having my privacy violated did one good thing – it broke my trust.
It made me see that these people I called friends and owners couldn’t be trusted and in the end, it gave me the courage to escape. It gave me the courage to walk out the door, barefoot and with nothing but the clothes on my back and my drivers license in my pocket, and walk a mile and a half to the nearest place I could go. It gave me the courage to let someone I used to dislike help me to safety. It gave me a whole new idea of the meaning of trust, and it made me realize that not everything is my fault. That maybe, just maybe, I’m not the one to blame for everything that goes wrong.
I was looking for a reason not to regret it, and even though what happened to me made it so much harder to write, it made me enjoy writing less, and work harder to achieve a level I used to be able to achieve so easily….
That one, painful incident made me escape. My reason.I have no regrets about what has happened to me. None, whatsoever. I can’t say I’m happy it happened, but I understand. I know it had to happen or I would be stuck, and honestly, maybe dead right now.
I do not regret anything that has happened to me or anything I have done even the tiniest bit. A lot of the things weren’t always good, a lot of them were painful to me and other people, and a lot of them were stupid. I’ve done some pretty horrible things in my life, and had some pretty horrible things done right back to me. But I do not regret any of it. I cannot change the past and if I regret things that have happened I am forcing myself to live in the past instead of moving on to the future. It is demeaning my experiences and the things I have learned from them.
So. Again, I say it. And I say it with a smile because I know it for sure and I’ve worked things out. I have no regrets.
And that is how I plan to live my life for the rest of it.
Complete acceptance and No Regrets.~Mari
Comments (13)
I’m glad you figured something out. I still have tons of regrets but I’m glad you found a way to get past your past that was haunting you.
Does that mean we’ll get to read lots of your great writing now? ^_^
very triumphant. i like this… and not just cos you thanked me, but because you really overcame something, and you empowered yourself.
i’m very impressed. proud of you, in a way. you’ve done well.
This is great<3 Welcome back. Stay strong.
I have no regrets. I went broke three times. The last time I realized I was happier when I was broke. I had 2 bad marriages. I spent a couple of weeks in jail and was looking forward to the possibility of 2 to 4 years in prison. (I got out of that one.) I was homeless for six months and enjoyed it.
Life is an education. The bad teaches you if you are willing to learn.
If you have regrets and let the past bother you the future will bother you too.
@nephyo - Gawd what is it with you and my writing? Sheesh. ….:P Maybe. I’m workin on it.
@TheBigShowAtUD - …..Thank you..*smiles* thanks a bunch..
@immaairheadxl - Thanks! ^_^
@leegaylord - Im glad you’ve found a place without regrets as well.
I think we are all thankful you made it out of that situation. I’m glad I could be of some small help. And you know, things like writing tend to return in time. Ask me to tell you the story about my artwork sometime. It took time, but eventually it may come back even stronger than it was before.
You have the strength of a million! Glad to read of such courage and strength and I’m happy for you.
@Legendairy - Thanks, and you should tell me, I’ll be more than willing to listen!
@XxB4ttous4ixX - Thank you very much! ^_^
Betrayal is horrible, no matter who does it or why. I’m glad you found some peace with it. Can I ask you called them your “owners?”
I’ve got my own regrets. But I admire your philosophy. Things do happen for a reason. You may never be happy with what had happened but it taught you something valuable.
I’m glad ur back…. as painful as losing ur book was would it have amounted to pain of still being trapped in that house
@mo_chic_for_jesus - I used to be a submissive “Pet”. my significant other was my Owner/Master. He convinced me to let the ownership be shared with his best friends (they were a couple), so they owned me, only I wasn’t a Pet anymore, I was a slave.. I was even supposed to sign a contract and have it notarized, because that can be made legal, but I got a bad feeling and kept putting it off. I’m glad I did. or I’d legally be stuck there. Thanks for commenting, if you wanna know anything else about it, feel free to message me. ^_^
@flashbulb100w - Exactly. And it is fine. I understand that some people do indeed have regrets and maybe even need them. but I know that for me, if I regret things I dwell on them and in the past, and that keeps me from healing from the wounds time gives me and moving on with my life. Thank you for commenting.
@Mahogany_Nymph - Oh no. If I was still trapped in that place, I would.. I would be broken beyond repair and possibly dead. Sheesh saying that makes me feel so overdramatic, but.. its the truth sadly enough. This pain I can heal from though. IT may take ages, btu eventually I will heal. Thank you very much for commenting me! ^_^
I’ve never looked at tragedy this way. As I read this, it reminded me of the movie V is for Vendetta, when she is confronted with her worst fear.
I don’t know what I would do if anyone read my journals, I guess it would definitely give a person reason to come clean, out of the closet, no longer fearing what one once feared.